nathan james: 11 months

Someone is 11 months and 11 days old, and I still am very much in disbelief that he is almost one!  It also makes me chuckle a bit at how long it has taken me to finally take his 11 month pictures.  We were a bit more successful and he decided to hold still for a bit long while mom looked like a mad woman shouting "boo" from behind the camera.  I remember one day this past month when I picked him up from his crib and thought, "you look like a little boy, where's my baby?".  

Nathan's personality just makes my heart melt.  I absolutely love seeing all of the new little things he notices.  Long gone are the days when ceiling fans were the jam.  Now he is so inquisitive as he looks closely at little specks on the floor and takes after his mama...he loves a good dance party.  This morning I was playing some music and "All About the Bass" came on.  The next thing I know, Nathan is standing up next to the couch bouncing away and dancing with me in the living room.  It was hilariously sweet, and I just can't fathom how much fun we are going to have in the years ahead.  

Growing// Nathan is a whopping 25 lbs. 1 oz.  He has been sick on and off for the last three weeks, and after his cough came back I decided it was time to finally take him into the pediatrician.  Turns out the poor little guy has a sinus and ear infection.  However, you wouldn't know by his pleasant disposition.  He is still the happiest baby making plenty of friends wherever we go.  Anyways, I can definitely feel how heavy he is and wearing him in the Ergo for longer than 20 minutes is starting to become a bit painful.  I need to master the art of wearing him on my back because that feels so much better on my back.  He is becoming one speedy crawler and cruzes around all of our furniture, but I don't see him walking anytime soon.  I think it's going to take him a bit to move those chunky thighs of his.  

Nathan is also babbling up a storm and is beginning to say some words!  He says "mama" and "dada" and we are pretty sure we heard him say "doggy" at my parents house on Thanksgiving.  He also is starting to notice the littlest things outside.  We point to the moon each day when I pick him up from daycare and he is starting to point to the trees on our runs.  I die over his little chubby finger pointing away! 

Eating & Sleeping// I knew it was too good to be true, the sleeping through the night adventures quickly came to an end right about the time we traveled to Arizona.  We've gone from him waking up 1-2 times a night to waking up at 5:30am and refusing to go back to sleep.  Going to sleep has been a bit easier, but I would definitely love him to sleep those full 12 hours at night uninterrupted.  Along with his spunky personality came a bit of a picky eater who enjoys throwing his food on the floor.  I find it a bit ironic because I always thought to myself pre-baby, "oh, my baby will never throw his food on the floor and I'll nip that right in the bud".  I just have to laugh at all of the things I thought I'd do before I had a baby.  Lately, he refuses to eat anything off of a spoon and would much rather feed himself.  He LOVES Skinnytaste's Cheesy Turkey Taco Chili Mac.  His favorite foods are still avocado and sweet potato.  Basically, any fruit and veggie he will gobble down, along with cheese.  Meats and carbs are still up for discussion.  

Loving// Nathan loves books!  It is the cutest thing to look over and see.  He has a huge pile of books in front of him and he is babbling away as he flips through the pages and lifts the flaps (flap-books and touch & feel books are his absolute favorite).  The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Curios George Christmas are his two favorite books right now.  Nathan continues to love bath time and playing peek-a-boo with Mommy and Daddy.  

Loathing//  Who would've thought that getting your diaper changed would be the end of the world?!? Nathan absolutely hates being on his changing table.  He also greatly dislikes when he gets ahold of something he can't have and we take it away from him.  Oddly enough, car washes are terrible and he has screamed both times I've tried to take the car through.  

I just can't get over his infectious personality.  His laugh fills up the entire house and echoes deep down into my soul.  Goodness, I never imagined loving someone so much before! 

feeling like one hot mess

Motherhood.  I feel like someone needs to tell you that you will continually feel like you're going crazy once you enter motherhood.  Now that I've been in this stage for almost a year (?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I'm already crying) I feel like I should have my act together, be able to show up to places on time, know why my baby is crying, and feel altogether synced.  Well, lately I've just been feeling like one hot mess. 

Currently I'm pumping while scouring the cabinets for fenugreek and slathering on fennel essential oil like it's nobody's business because I'm not producing much milk these days.  I panic and struggle between blaming the fact that Nathan's been fussier or waking up more on the fact that he's probably not getting enough to eat and accepting the fact that it just may be time to wean.  I'm also currently googling a typical feeding schedule for 11 month olds because I'm worried he's not getting enough milk on top of his solids, hoping that this will make him sleep through the night.  I definitely remember doing all of these things, googling when I didn't know what was going on, and then coming to terms with the fact that this will always be "new" and I'll continue to learn the ropes as we go.  

And then there was yesterday....Nathan wasn't feeling well, I wasn't feeling well, and we ended up being one hot mess.  We had our annual Christmas concert.  I long for this day all year.  The concert started at 4 but I had to be there at 2:30 to help with kids' check-in.  At the last minute I realize that Nathan has no clean pants so I throw a load into the wash thinking surely there will be enough time to dry them.  Oh, and the Mr. works on Sundays so it was a solo-mama day.  I try to make myself presentable (why didn't I do that earlier?!?!) and let Nathan play in our room/bathroom.  Noticing he's been quiet for some time, I look over only to find his hand in. the. toilet.  Yes.  I freaked out, immediately washed his hands, and we continued on with our hot mess of a day. 

His clothes didn't have enough time to dry, so I pull out the closest pair of pants and decide not to put them on him so they can continue to dry in the car.  We get downtown and successfully park, I put Nathan in the Ergo only to noticed that both eyes are all goopy and gross.  Deciding that he should be fine, I put him in the nursery while I serve and check in kids.  And then it happened.  Right when I thought "we've got this" and was about to enjoy the concert, I was informed Nathan couldn't stay in the nursery because his eyes weren't clearing up and I immediately felt all the shame.  I was "that mom" with "that baby" with "those eyes".  Why did I even put him there in the first place?!?!  Mind you, these aren't truths one bit, but it is exactly where my mind went.  

So I picked him up, strapped him on, oh...and still pantless because they were still damp, and proceeded to the concert.  Well, wearing a 24+ pounder along with a diaper bag and purse definitely starts to take a toll on the body.  Standing in the back of the auditorium I felt like all was lost.  This would have been so much easier if I wasn't by myself doing it alone.  But then I remember that there will always be these challenges with or without the Mr. by my side.  I walked to the car with a dead phone, a sick baby, and aching shoulders and back wishing it had all gone so differently.  And then we got home, Nathan went to bed beautifully, and this morning it all just makes me chuckle.  Of course this will happen again.  He will be sick, I will forget to wash his clothes, he'll have a blowout.  But I really need to remember not to let my mind get sucked into the "shame game" telling myself that I'm a hot mess.  

a mixed bag

I feel very much like a mixed bag lately.  Everything will be going fine, and as I'm driving singing along to Taylor Swift I start balling like a baby.  I think I cried three separate times the other day, and I couldn't even tell you what prompted my tear-filled mess.  Basically, my emotions are an this amazing roller coaster of a ride and I need to accept it at this point. 

I came to a realization the other day which was a bit scary but also quite endearing.  Teaching is become less fulfilling.  I've always wanted to be a teacher, and seeing the drive and passion and spark inside of me slowly dwindle has been a bit hard to swallow.  There's days when I see the light go off in my students' minds that get me, that remind me how enjoyable and fulfilling this job is.  But then there are others where I wonder if I'm even making a different.  

What has become more and more fulfilling is motherhood.  This, naturally, is a beautiful thing.  But I'm an achiever.  My job gives me clear ways to see my achievements, and motherhood doesn't provide this as tangibly.  That's not to say that I don't see progress in motherhood, but it just looks a bit different.  The other achiever part of me has always loved working, and has seen myself working even when my littles are still little.  Now it has become a daily struggle to get out of the house to work. 

Yesterday I was able to tour a school that I had applied at this past year.  It's a new and extremely innovative school, and it was amazing to see their vision in action right before my eyes.  Teachers were excited, students were engaging, and I cried a bit inside.  The achiever in me felt less-than that I didn't get the job, told me that I would never work there or even be that great of a teacher.  But I left with a little pep in my step being surrounded by such engaging professionals that I was immediately drawn to.  That is where my spark is, working with others collaboratively in order to help students to learn.  Seeing what could've been was hard, I won't lie.  But at the end of the day I recount these miraculous blessings over and over in my head. 

For my husband.

For my adorable son who makes me smile all the time.

For a job in a field that I am passionate about.