a mixed bag

I feel very much like a mixed bag lately.  Everything will be going fine, and as I'm driving singing along to Taylor Swift I start balling like a baby.  I think I cried three separate times the other day, and I couldn't even tell you what prompted my tear-filled mess.  Basically, my emotions are an this amazing roller coaster of a ride and I need to accept it at this point. 

I came to a realization the other day which was a bit scary but also quite endearing.  Teaching is become less fulfilling.  I've always wanted to be a teacher, and seeing the drive and passion and spark inside of me slowly dwindle has been a bit hard to swallow.  There's days when I see the light go off in my students' minds that get me, that remind me how enjoyable and fulfilling this job is.  But then there are others where I wonder if I'm even making a different.  

What has become more and more fulfilling is motherhood.  This, naturally, is a beautiful thing.  But I'm an achiever.  My job gives me clear ways to see my achievements, and motherhood doesn't provide this as tangibly.  That's not to say that I don't see progress in motherhood, but it just looks a bit different.  The other achiever part of me has always loved working, and has seen myself working even when my littles are still little.  Now it has become a daily struggle to get out of the house to work. 

Yesterday I was able to tour a school that I had applied at this past year.  It's a new and extremely innovative school, and it was amazing to see their vision in action right before my eyes.  Teachers were excited, students were engaging, and I cried a bit inside.  The achiever in me felt less-than that I didn't get the job, told me that I would never work there or even be that great of a teacher.  But I left with a little pep in my step being surrounded by such engaging professionals that I was immediately drawn to.  That is where my spark is, working with others collaboratively in order to help students to learn.  Seeing what could've been was hard, I won't lie.  But at the end of the day I recount these miraculous blessings over and over in my head. 

For my husband.

For my adorable son who makes me smile all the time.

For a job in a field that I am passionate about.