feeling like one hot mess

Motherhood.  I feel like someone needs to tell you that you will continually feel like you're going crazy once you enter motherhood.  Now that I've been in this stage for almost a year (?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I'm already crying) I feel like I should have my act together, be able to show up to places on time, know why my baby is crying, and feel altogether synced.  Well, lately I've just been feeling like one hot mess. 

Currently I'm pumping while scouring the cabinets for fenugreek and slathering on fennel essential oil like it's nobody's business because I'm not producing much milk these days.  I panic and struggle between blaming the fact that Nathan's been fussier or waking up more on the fact that he's probably not getting enough to eat and accepting the fact that it just may be time to wean.  I'm also currently googling a typical feeding schedule for 11 month olds because I'm worried he's not getting enough milk on top of his solids, hoping that this will make him sleep through the night.  I definitely remember doing all of these things, googling when I didn't know what was going on, and then coming to terms with the fact that this will always be "new" and I'll continue to learn the ropes as we go.  

And then there was yesterday....Nathan wasn't feeling well, I wasn't feeling well, and we ended up being one hot mess.  We had our annual Christmas concert.  I long for this day all year.  The concert started at 4 but I had to be there at 2:30 to help with kids' check-in.  At the last minute I realize that Nathan has no clean pants so I throw a load into the wash thinking surely there will be enough time to dry them.  Oh, and the Mr. works on Sundays so it was a solo-mama day.  I try to make myself presentable (why didn't I do that earlier?!?!) and let Nathan play in our room/bathroom.  Noticing he's been quiet for some time, I look over only to find his hand in. the. toilet.  Yes.  I freaked out, immediately washed his hands, and we continued on with our hot mess of a day. 

His clothes didn't have enough time to dry, so I pull out the closest pair of pants and decide not to put them on him so they can continue to dry in the car.  We get downtown and successfully park, I put Nathan in the Ergo only to noticed that both eyes are all goopy and gross.  Deciding that he should be fine, I put him in the nursery while I serve and check in kids.  And then it happened.  Right when I thought "we've got this" and was about to enjoy the concert, I was informed Nathan couldn't stay in the nursery because his eyes weren't clearing up and I immediately felt all the shame.  I was "that mom" with "that baby" with "those eyes".  Why did I even put him there in the first place?!?!  Mind you, these aren't truths one bit, but it is exactly where my mind went.  

So I picked him up, strapped him on, oh...and still pantless because they were still damp, and proceeded to the concert.  Well, wearing a 24+ pounder along with a diaper bag and purse definitely starts to take a toll on the body.  Standing in the back of the auditorium I felt like all was lost.  This would have been so much easier if I wasn't by myself doing it alone.  But then I remember that there will always be these challenges with or without the Mr. by my side.  I walked to the car with a dead phone, a sick baby, and aching shoulders and back wishing it had all gone so differently.  And then we got home, Nathan went to bed beautifully, and this morning it all just makes me chuckle.  Of course this will happen again.  He will be sick, I will forget to wash his clothes, he'll have a blowout.  But I really need to remember not to let my mind get sucked into the "shame game" telling myself that I'm a hot mess.  

ditching the scale

As women, we all face the that nasty topic.  You know what I'm talking about.  Body image.

We weigh ourselves, compare ourselves, tell ourselves that we aren't good enough with the way that we are, and sometimes go to extremes to meet these "goals" that are completely acceptable to us.

This is something I've always dealt with.  I don't think I ever really felt comfortable in my skin.  In middle school I was bigger, more developed, and already began telling myself the lie that my body wasn't good enough.  This lie built and built as I went into high school and throughout college.  It probably wasn't until I was married that I finally felt comfortable with who I was and the shape that I was.  Fortunately I loved food way too much to go to extremes to change my body.  Plus, I learned how to exercise and finally (not over night) accepted that being fit didn't mean skinny but healthy.

I always had a fear of the weight gain during pregnancy.  My mom would admonish me whenever I would tell her my nightmares of blowing up like an elephant.  And I wasn't even pregnant yet.  So when I got pregnant I realized I needed to do something so that I kept a healthy mindset throughout it.  I didn't want to be stressed with a number that I needed to lose after having the baby and I also didn't want to beat myself up when my body was doing the most beautiful thing-making life.

With that I decided to not know how much I weighed during my pregnancy.  It is doable!  I would turn around and face away from the numbers on the scale and politely let my nurse know I didn't want to know my weight.  When they printed up my paperwork, I soon figured out that my weight was printed on it!  So then I started asking my nurse to use sharpie over it so I couldn't see it.  I know that I must've sounded silly and crazy, but my nurses quickly caught on and began to remember, and most importantly- I wasn't kicking myself or hating on my body.  I watched as my body stretched and grew in places it had never before.  There were days that I wasn't happy with my body, but I would quickly remind myself that it was doing something amazing and deserved to be praised not hated.

After Nathan arrived I was going for a walk around the neighborhood and was thinking about this weight issue that we as woman go through.  I've come a very long way mentally to accept my body, even my pregnant body, and I suddenly decided that I still loved my body.  This postpartum body of mine shows the marks that provided life for another and created a beautifully healthy baby.  And that should be praised!

For me, I'd rather base how I feel about my weight on how my clothes feel and how I feel.  The scale has this gloomy association, creating a sense of fear.  So why not free ourselves from this fear and not weigh ourselves?  This doesn't mean "let our bodies go" and live an unhealthy lifestyle.  This means find what healthy looks like for you, find pieces of your body you love and focus on them, and listen to how your body feels in your clothes instead of living for a number.

Now, just to show you how human I am I have to share with you how I didn't live this out this week.  At my follow up appointment this week I thought I'd actually look at the scale.  You know, just to see where I was at since having the baby.  I wasn't actually pretty happy with the number, but I didn't know what to compare it to since I hadn't been weighing myself throughout my pregnancy and even leading up to it.  So when I got home, I jumped onto the computer and looked up my past visit reports and found my weight pre-baby and for my first appointment.  Yes I did.  And instantly my mind was flooded with disappointment and anxiety because now I knew how much weight I needed to lose to be back to my "pre-baby" body.  How terrible this was!  This is exactly what I didn't want to happen, and here I was undoing everything I had done.

We are all human and we will have moments when the number takes over our minds and brings us down.  And there are moments when we live for more than the number and accept and love our bodies for what they create and do.  So, if you are struggling with your body image by any means I urge you to ditch the scale and remember that the number does not define you!

currently...

Currently I am...

-talking in a cross between a british and souther accent y'all.  We all have Downton Abbey and Duck Dynasty to thank for that.  If you have already started asking yourself how on earth those two go together, there is not rhyme or reason.  Watching Downton Abbey just puts my soul at ease, my heart twitters a bit with the romance, and I love the storyline.  Oh, the drama!  Duck Dynasty...well, my husband tried forever to get me to watch it.  I'm not the fan of reality TV so I was extremely hesitant, and all I thought it would be about is a bunch of rednecks hanging around.  Well, those rednecks are hilarious!  And watching my husband watch it is hilarious!  And those wives that love on those men, with their scruffy beards and all, well..they are my heroes.  So supportive and loving.

- in LOVE with this workout.  I was a sweaty mess at the gym doing this workout, and my legs felt like noodles afterwards, and I loved every single second of it.  I've been in a workout rut lately, and when I stumbled upon Tina's blog I was instantly inspired.

-munching on this homemade irish soda bread like it is nobody's business!  This recipe was so easy to follow, and my picky belly hasn't had too many issues with this gluten-filled bread.  Toasted with some butter and jam (said in an accent like the Geico gecko) is where it's at.

-deciding on which outfits to pack for my upcoming trip to Seattle!!!  I'm traveling with a dear friend of mine to go sight seeing and have a fun, girls' trip.  I've never been to Seattle and have been dying to recently.  All I can say is that I am beyond excited to visit the first Starbucks, see Pike's Place Market, and eat some amazing food.  Me?  Love food?  NO!

-having withdrawals after finishing Bittersweet.  I downloaded it as an audiobook to listen to on my way to and from work.  It was my first audiobook, and I was slightly hesitant about it.  I soon found myself instantly turning it on over music.  My heart has felt emotions it hasn't felt before, my mind is thinking like crazy, and all I can see are the bittersweet moments in my life.  This book made me look at the tiny moments and realize they are part of my story, I have grown from each experience, and I couldn't stop telling people everything I was just in awe of.

-loving some peaceful time with my husband.  March did a doozy on us.  Between both of our busy work schedules, my comp exams and report cards, and various events, we finished March feeling like we had just run a marathon and hadn't seen one another in ages.  It feels good to finally have some downtime (thank you, spring break) with nothing to get in the way.  Having a break from work always puts some much needed rest time into my life, and as hard as a I fight it, relaxing has treated me well.  When I'm more relaxed I feel like I can give more of my time to Daniel, be more intentional with our conversations, actually listen to him, and be a couple.

spring break is here!

Can you tell I'm just a tad bit excited that Spring Break is finally here???  This morning is the first time where I feel like I can actually breathe.  Life has been going non-stop.  This past week we had the privilege of going to a conference at our church.  It was Thursday and Friday evening and all day Saturday.  We got so much out of it, SO much, but the whole time I was just so tired and ready for life to slow down.  I learned so much and the first thing that I wanted to do was share it with you.  The one huge thing that I love about my blog is encouraging others, sharing my faith, and journaling what I'm going through.  So I'm not going to keep it all to myself!  

On Saturday we chose three different workshops to go to, and my first one was yoga.  This was really interesting to me because I was curious to see how they were going to incorporate worshiping our God in yoga.  I loved every second of it.  Just slowing down, listening to my breath, stretching out teeny tiny areas in my body, and just praying to God the entire time.  It was beyond soothing.  The next workshop I went to was on rest, and that's what I want to share with you today!

"Are you tired?  Worn out?  Burned out...?  Come to me.  Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest.  Walk with Me an work with Me-watch how I do it.  Learn from me the unforced rhythms of grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Matthew 11-28-30 MSG

As I began reading this passage in the workshop I could hear myself saying "yes, yes, yes".  Are you tired- YES.  Are you worn out- YES.  Are you burned out- YES.  

Our culture is a culture or "doers".  Even in the church there is a culture that doesn't encourage rest, but DOING.  Resting is a spiritual act, a form of worship, a declaration of trust, an assertion that God cares, an affirmation that we are valued and loved for who we are and not for what we do.  

As I was thinking back on my notes and outline from this workshop two big things stood out to me:

1) Resting is an act of worship, where I find my identity in Christ and rest in who I am in Christ.

2) Why is it so hard for me to rest?  Why do I think that I always need to DO?

Our speaker asked us "what's the rush?"  He then went on to share how he got his masters in 15 years and had four beautiful children in the course of that time.  I'm in my masters and want kids so badly, and feel like there is such a pull between what I think everyone expects me to do and what the big picture is.  I realized that so many of my choices and actions are because I think that it makes me look good in others' eyes.  If I do something against the grain then I will be a failure.  If I take a semester off then I'll be a failure.  If I get pregnant before finishing school then I'm weak.  These are my perceptions and what keeps me from resting.  Sometimes I am convicted of looking at people and thinking they're not doing enough, wow.  I'm slowly learning that I need to value what God thinks of me over what other people think of Me, put life into perspective, and live my life for God not others.  

Whew!  That was really therapeutic.  This is a daily struggle but I'm definitely working through this.  

To help life slow down a bit I'm going to Utah with a close friend.  I'm so excited!  We plan on fully relaxing as much as possible, and my suit case is filled with so many workout and lounge clothes-I'm just in heaven.  Whenever I travel it is not relaxing as much as I hope it will be, so this trip is something I'm really looking forward to.  We're going to hike, run, read, and just hang out.  

I hope you all have a beautiful and restful Monday!

if we were to have coffee...

If you and I were to have coffee together I would first order a venti soy latte..

YES a venti!

I'm pretty sure that I've hit the delirious stage or exhaustion.

I miss my pillow and I think it misses me.  

I would then thank you SO much from pulling me away from seeing these things, along with report cards, and everything that has been consuming me the past two weeks for work and school.  

I'd comment on your adorable outfit and tell you how much I value our friendship

I wouldn't quite know where to start but somehow I would share everything that has been going on and what's on my heart.

-I miss blogging a lot!  And I'm very ready for a vacation...and I think I only have to wait two more days. We're going to Vegas this weekend to meet up with Daniel's cousin and his girlfriend and I couldn't be more thrilled about not seeing any school work or homework for three straight days.  ( I may try to sneak some reading into my bag, but don't tell the Mr.)  I'd also tell you that I'm a bit anxious as well as the clothes are feeling just a tad bit snugger than normal, and I'm a girl, and it's normal to stress about being in a bathing suit.  But I'm sure once I'm there I will be more than happy about laying poolside with sunshine smiling down on me.

-I'd tell you that this past weekend I ran 10 miles...in the rain!  Luckily I had an amazing friend with me that pushed me through those last two miles.  It was the first long run that I was pretty sore from, but the feeling of success was so fulfilling afterwards (even if my clothes had to be rung out and then hung to dry because they were sopping wet).  

-Speaking of rain, I'd tell you that the most beautiful thing this weekend was laying in bed with the Mr. listening to the sound of rain on our windows.  I love the rain.  If I say that to most people they look at me like I'm crazy because I live in San Diego, but we don't get it very often so I love it when we do.  The sound is so soothing and relaxing to me, and I loved being bundled up inside. 

-Then I'd randomly tell you that my favorite tune to blast when I need a pick me up is "We found love" but the Glee version (speaking of which...when is it going be back on?????)  I love to blair it in my car and get crazy looks from people as I'm moving and grooving.  Sometimes at home I just turn it on and have a dance party all to myself, which can sometimes be a bit awkward when the Mr. walks in on my and my previous little dance party.  But then he just smiles and joins in.  If I need some inspiration on the treadmill in the morning I turn it on too, but then I want to start dancing on the treadmill, and I don't think that anyone at 5am would appreciate that at the gym.  

-Oh my goodness!  I made the most delish little cookies last night, and they were sugar free-vegan-raw-just pure deliciousness.  No, I'm not vegan, but I definitely have a sweet tooth.  So when I stumble upon something so delectable that doesn't make me feel guilty I'm a happy camper.

-These cookies would remind me to tell you how blessed we feel that we are finally settling into our church and are involved in a Life Group (bible study).  Last week the hostess made the cookies, and she was so generous enough to share the recipe with me.  We have been church hunting since we were engaged!  We have tried numerous churches over the past four years, and I always felt guilty when we didn't stay.  We didn't have this perfect church in mind, but we knew that God would provide us with a sense of comfort when we found the church He wanted us at.  About a year ago we started going to a church that we actually went to off and on in college, and it was love at first sight.  We immediately felt at home and knew that is where God wanted us.  Now that the Mr.'s schedule isn't so harsh we could finally join a young married's bible study together.  This is the first time we've done a bible study group together, and it has been such a blessing to see God's prayers answered.  

-On my heart is the following:

A dear friend of mine shared it with me a few weeks ago and it has brought me a lot of comfort.  

Source: imgfave.com via Jamie on Pinterest

I'm sure that we would continue to talk, and laugh, and share so much, but the clock is telling me I'm about to be late for work if I don't get my patootie out the door.  Thanks for sharing this lovely cup of coffee with me!  

What would you say if we were at coffee???

Source: imgfave.com via Jamie on Pinterest

you're beautiful

Source: Uploaded by user via Jamie on Pinterest

What is beauty?

I can easily remember looking at myself intently in the bathroom mirror and making a mental checklist of what I wanted to change, as early as the age of 8.  Everything I had was all wrong inside of my head.  I wanted blonde hair instead of brown, I wanted tan skin instead of fair with freckles.  I carried this checklist with me all the way through high school and college.  It was like carry on luggage: baggage.  It would wear me down, make me think I wasn't good enough, and affect my actions.  I wouldn't go places or be plagued with anxiety before going because of my self consciousness.  

You see, I never thought I was beautiful.  Even when I gave my life over to God in middle school I still carried this baggage with me.  

In our society beauty is an idol.  We create an image in our mind of that the "bar" is and we set our standards there.  We think to ourselves, "If I only looked like that then I would be beautiful".  

This was our sermon yesterday in church and I loved the conversation the Mr. and I had on our way home.  We were talking about how our view of beauty and self-consciousness is so hindering.  But, there is freedom:

"For you created my inmost being, you created me in my mother's womb"

Psalm 139:13

God created us, He knows everything about us.  The God that created our universe and everything we find beauty in made us beautiful.  We are beautiful women of God.  

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.  We all like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."

Isaiah 52: 5-6

There is freedom in Christ.  These thoughts of what we want to change about ourselves so that we can finally be beautiful are not of God, and what I have leaned over the past several years is that God loved me so much that he made me just the way I am-I have to love myself too.  There's a verse that says "If God is for us than who can be against us?"  Well, WE can't be against us.  We have to daily take the image of what we may think as beauty that brings us harm and self-doubt and tear it up.  For me, that is recognizing who I compare myself to or think is the ideal vision of beauty because they are thinner than me or have better clothes than me.  

The Mr. and I were talking about my transformation to beauty and how I struggled with it for so long.  When we were engaged my relationship with God was very strong, I went to God daily and learned how to live our His life for me, and He showed me how to love myself.  All of myself.  This began my beauty transformation.  Our self-confidence is beautiful.  When we love ourselves that is beautiful.  Our attitude and actions are beautiful.  

Source: instagr.am via Jamie on Pinterest

This is a big passion for me: for others to see how they were created beautifully and wonderfully.  When I was younger this was a struggle for me and I was fortunate enough to have older godly girls love on me.  I'm praying for God to open doors to allow me to be that for girls today.  Remember, you were beautifully made by the Creator-you are beautiful!

Right now tell yourself 5 things that you love about yourself that are beautiful!

pucker up

I'm back with some fun Makeover Monday finds to share with you and also to tell you how I have been blessed through one in particular.

This week is all about lips, and I keep it pretty basic when it comes to this.  If you were to look in my purse my little "lips" pouch has only three items-that's it!

I was always the girl with a new lipgloss in her purse, backpack, everywhere...I had so many that each one ended up looking the same.  So lipgloss and me broke up for a bit, and then I found C.O. Bigelow at Bath & Body Works and I was smitten.  They're Mentha Lip Mint keeps my puckers moisturized, minty fresh, and adds just a touch of color.  This has become my all time go to.  

And then a beautiful friend turned me onto Nars lip glass in Orgasm.  Oh.  My.  Word....I love this lipgloss.  It is the prettiest color and always makes me feel feminine, and it lasts for quite a while.  It is not sticky like many and feels almost natural when you wear it.  

For lipstick I'm so excited to share all about it because it is my latest purchase and it touches me deeply.  This lipstick is from Radiant Cosmetics, a cosmetic line with a purpose:

Our mission is the help garner awareness for human trafficking by raising funds through cosmetics, to provide resources for those on the forefront of change as well as victims of trafficking.

 I just purchased their moisturizing lipstick in "Classic Coral" and am in love but for more reasons than how it makes my lips look.  My mom is an amazing woman with a heart to serve other woman.  She is currently in an organization that helps other women within the community AND she volunteers at a pregnancy care clinic, all while working full time.  Last year the woman's organization raised awareness on human trafficking, specifically women that are victims and getting them back on their feet.  My heart breaks that young girls around the world have been victims of this hideous crime.  My mom's heart and compassion for others led me to be more conscientious about where I can help.  

Around Christmas time my church had a shopping experience where you could come and buy products that helped other organizations, such as orphans, overseas missionaries, and local non-profits.  One shop caught my eye not only because their jewelry was stunning, but because all of their jewelry was made my survivors of human trafficking.  International Sanctuary is an amazing organization that only wishes to raise awareness but provides education and jobs to victims.  Each and every piece of jewelry is made by a survivor.  This is the bracelet I bought for myself and I also bought my mom a beautiful one as well.  

800,000 people are trafficked globally each year

I am just one girl

and it may not feel like I'm making that big of a difference

but I'm becoming more aware

so that we can make a difference

there is beauty in making a difference.

So, if you're looking for a beautiful bracelet or a stunning lipgloss think about making a difference while finding beauty.  

overwhelmed

Do you ever just have so much you want to say and don't know where to start?  Well...that's me, right now, yep!  2012 has just flooded my heart with joy, love, wisdom, faith, hope, goodness, warm fuzzies, the list could go on and on.  And there is nothing major happening in our lives on the outside, but on the inside I can feel God's transformation of my hear.  

Blessed.

I just feel utterly blessed.  

God has been answering prayers, prayers we have had for over a year, prayers that I have intimately prayed for so long.  I just feel blessed to have God's peace running through me.

At church last Sunday our sermon stopped me dead in my tracks, I'm pretty sure God wanted me to be front and center to hear it too.  Our sermon was on REST.  We talked about how our society has become "workaholics" and do-ers, that we fill every box in our schedule and every ounce of our time just to find what we think will make us complete.  

"Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.  And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had due, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done.  So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation."

Genesis 2:1-3

God rested.  My husband and I were talking about this and he reminded me that God is God, he doesn't need rest, and yet he rested because He knew how important it was.  I don't know how I've become this way but I am a perfectionist, a mutli-tasker, and a people-pleaser.  I fill my time trying to always be better and seek approval in others eyes (even you readers).  When I'm not being productive I feel like a failure, I feel as though I should be doing something.  Hearing this sermon brought me freedom.  God gives us rest for freedom.  He rested and so should we.  

To say I was convicted would be a huge understatement, I was ready to run out of the church telling everyone what I had just heard and how I feel.  In order for me to rest I have to tackle those thoughts in my head that tell me "I should be doing something right now" or "I'm not doing enough".  I feel a huge sense of relief when I stop believing these thoughts.  There are only 24 hours in a day, and a third of them should be sleeping.  I can only do so much, and what I don't get done will be there tomorrow for me to do then.  My house doesn't have to be perfect, the laundry can sit in the basket neatly folded for a week and it's okay.  

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord."

Jeremiah 17:7

I have been memorizing this verse this past week and just feel blessed knowing that God is looking out for me, loving me, and speaking to me.  

Thanks for letting me share!

lessons from Belle

Every girl wishes she could be one: a princess.  But not just any princess, a Disney princess.  My grand dreams included singing while wearing a teeny-tiny top in the ocean along with my little sea creature friends then dancing in a grand ballroom along with "Chip", the cutest teacup on the block.  I relived life of a five year old all over again when I went to see "Beauty and the Beast" in theaters this past weekend with a dear friend.  It was everything I dreamed and more.  And there's no shame that this 20-something year old went to a G rated movie.  

As I was watching I was reminded of the beautiful theme that fills this movie:

 beauty comes from within

not from make-up

not from my eye cream

not from my beloved curling iron (we're best friends)

not from the girly pink lipstick

not from my ever so perfect perfume

I've been thinking so much lately about what impact I want to leave on this world.  One thing that I loved doing and continue to dream about is working with young women.  To look at a teenage girl and tell her "you're beautiful, you're loved, you're special" fills me with to the brim with excitement.  To remind a girl that she has a Heavenly Father, that she is loved unconditionally no matter what her past or present may be, and share the importance of loving yourself.  As a teenager my life was blessed by some older girls that shared these with me, helped me love who I am, and deal with the insecurities of being a teenager.

It's a dream that hopefully God will make come true again soon.  

In the meantime I will take pictures with this cute little girl that makes me smile bigger and brighter each time we are together, reminding me that your smile is the prettiest thing you can wear, and to look for the beauty within...

what i wore wednesday

It happened again.  The Target clearance rack caught my eye.  I just HAD to take a look.  And, I'm pretty sure it was meant to be.  Because as I was perusing through tops that did not catch my fancy I stumbled upon a dress. The dress.  The dress I had bought in November in yellow, went home and tried it on, and took it off as soon as possible because the sheer horror of me in a yellow dress was too much to bear.  I loved the style, but the shade did not love me.

But this dress and I knew it was meant to be, as long as it was in black.  And it was, and in my size, the only one sitting on the rack.  

It's tag was reassurance that our happily ever after would truly come true.  

$7!!!  I proudly wore it to work paired with some tights, cowboy boots, and my handmade scarf.  

It was a good day.

Dress: Target

Tights: Target

Boots: I bought them so long ago (for $10) that I don't remember where!!!

Fossil Watch: gift from mom

Earrings: World Market

Source: tumblr.com via Jamie on Pinterest

I wanted to let you know how the "me in 2012" is coming along.  We're 11 days into the new year and by God has strengthen me and challenged me.  I feel more confidant in myself than I have in years.  Things have happened lately that could have easily made me doubt myself and feel like a lesser person.  Instead of beating myself up over things I cannot control, I have chosen to pray.  Prayer changes things!  

God has reminded me so much these past 11 days that HE made me uniquely, that HE loves me, and that is enough.  This has helped me when it comes to being hard on myself and easily comparing myself to others.  Every teacher has the day.  They come home thinking to themselves that they are a horrible teacher, and ask "what am I doing wrong???". Yesterday was one of those days.  I felt inadequate as a teacher, I compared myself to others and felt lost...I felt as though all of my joy had been sucked out of me and it was my own doing.  I had to make a choice, and wallowing in self-pity was not an option.  

These past 11 days my motto has been to "Choose Joy".  There are always going to be those days, things spin out of control, things don't go quite right, someone says something that just makes you want to cry, and we must CHOOSE JOY.  When I choose joy I am making a conscious decision to find the blessings in life, acknowledge that not everyday is going to be just peachy, and know that my attitude makes the difference.  When I choose joy things roll off of my back, words don't sting, and my heart is full in tough times.  

I have to admit that it is so much easier to say "choose joy" than actually do it, but I have HOPE in times of worry, HOPE that my joy will overcome my negativity, and HOPE that God will change me.

I encourage you to Choose Joy!

the me in 2012

I have been thinking so much lately, thinking about where life has brought me, where life has been, where I've been, who I am....just thinking.  With New Years approaching I've been also thinking a lot about resolutions.  I have never really made any resolutions and the reason is pretty terrible.  You see, I have always had goals for life but didn't want to say, "This year I will________" because I was afraid of setting myself up for failure.

This year all of this thinking has brought me to a point where I'm excited to make some resolutions.  Success, to me, has always been measured by my accomplishments and physical things.  Graduating college, getting my teaching credential, getting married, landing a teaching job, working on my masters, buying a new car, taking trips....

This year I want to take this image of success and tear it down.  When I measure my success solely on my accomplishments in this matter, life doesn't feel hole some.  One book has had a major impact on my thinking lately...

As I've read through this amazing book so many of my weaknesses have been brought to light, God has been speaking directly to my heart, and God has challenged my thinking.  This book has made me vulnerable and opened up my heart.  My goals for this year are very different than in years past as they are centered around me and not my accomplishments, but who I AM.  They are a work in progress...

Goal #1: LOVE who I am, and love me for me.  

A big weakness of mine is to compare myself to everyone else.  I worry that I'm not doing enough or being enough because of this and it causes me to loose focus on who I am.  

               

"When I get an overly idyllic view of someone else's circumstances, I often remind myself out loud, "I am not equipped to handle what they have-both good and bad.""

"When I compare myself to others and focus on wanting what they have, it quite simple wears me out trying to figure out how to have more, be more, and do more.  That's why Jesus instructs worn-out people, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest in your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30)."

Goal #2: Not be so hard on myself.

I have this vision in my mind of who I am supposed to be but this vision comes from everywhere else.  This goal along with goal #1, but when stress hits or something doesn't go quite right my mind enters into this state where all I do is harp on myself.  This year I want to daily remind myself that I am ME, accept that, and ask God to help me love me.  I have to give up some expectations I have for myself and realize that I do my best each and everyday, and that is enough.  

 Goal #3: Stress LESS

My life is defined by business, and it is eating away at me.  I'm still working out the kinks on how this will unfold in my life.  I'm praying and asking God for his vision for me, asking God to show me how to weed out the unnecessary, and giving over my schedule to Him.

Goal #4: Shine!
This past month I have been inspired to live out the life that God has called us to, serve Him and love others.  I want my love for Christ to shine through me.  My goal is to pray that God would bring more opportunities in my life for me to SHINE for Him and inspire other. 

Shine Your light so all can see it
Lift it up, 'cause the whole world needs it
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome
He has overcome

Happy 2012!

finding joy

The following is from a guest post I wrote last week but I have found myself rereading it as reminder of the reason for the season.  This is what is on my heart...

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Today I wanted to share with you something that is on my heart this holiday season.  First, can you believe that it is already December?!?!  I'm still wrapping my mind around that!  December always seems to be a very busy time for me as my life is infiltrated with report cards, testing, parent-teacher conferences, final projects, midterms, holiday shopping, baking, crafting, and all other traditions we partake in this time of year.  Not only is it stressful because of everything that is going on, I always seem to stress out financially as well as I love giving gifts especially to family and close friends.  

I was listening to some Christmas music on my way to school the other day (I'm addicted) and "Joy to the World" came on.  As I sang along and listened it was a beautiful reminder of why we celebrate Christmas and hope overcame me.  

Joy came to the world because God our great Creator loved His creation so much that He sent His son to reveal His story.  

His goodness toward mankind would be recognized through this.  Christ's birth is the most glorious celebration and has had a profound impact on Earth.  I know it sounds cliche, but are we remembering the "reason for the season?".  As a society we get so wrapped up in spending money to buy gifts, decorate the house, please this person, etc.  

This season I am rejoicing and this flows over all of my stress and makes it dissipate.  Amidst all of the hustle and bustle with work and school right now I am joyful.  There are so many things that should be stressing me out, and yet I know that Christ is bigger than my stress and worries and will guide me through everything.  

When it comes to gifts this year my husband's family is choosing to do something truly special.  Last year we all received piggy banks.  Over this past year we were supposed to collect any loose change and place it inside.  At Easter we decided that all of our piggy bank money as a family would go to Samaritan's Purse.  They are infamously known for their "Operation Christmas Child" in which you pack a shoe box with belongings for a needy child overseas.  This year they actually have a gift catalog.  Their gifts include feeding a baby for a week, teaching a child how to read and write, blankets, clean water, sheep and livestock.   How amazing is it that we can put our money to help others versus stock up on things that will eventually make its way into the back of the closet?  

I hope that you find JOY this season, and that this JOY covers any stress or worries you have.  I also pray that you will find one way to give to others this season.  Whether it is through an organization like Samaritan's Purse or even buying coffee for the person behind you at Starbucks.  How amazing is it that we can show Christ's love this season, the season that reminds us about the most important gift we have ever received!

{thankful vol. 20} morning quiet time

This morning I am thankful for a couple of things:

1) I am on vacation for the week!

2) This allows me to enjoy morning quiet times with God

3) God is always teaching me something new and challenging me

4) Oh, my new coffee mug always makes my mornings brighter :-)

I am a planner.  I know that I have said this so many times before, but this "planning" way of living has thus caused anxiety.  Lately I have found myself anxious about life.  It feels like we are in a holding pattern, waiting for my grad school to finish, and waiting for life to take us through to our next season.

I have done some amazing studies with even more amazing and beautiful women about the seasons of our lives, and although this has prepared me for what each season will bring it has also made me complacent.  This is because I feel like I have been in the same season for the past year.  It feels as though nothing has changed.  

However, the changes that I feel as though should be happening to us our outward symbols of achievement.  I read this quote by my favorite women's author, Lysa Terkeurst, "External achievement never equals internal acceptance".  Right now I find myself struggling to accept this season that God has put me in, to just live life right now as it is, and live it fully to His calling.  

Right now I feel like I'm waiting.  Waiting for grad school to be over.  Waiting for the right time to have a baby.  Waiting for a new season in our lives.  Waiting....  When I wait I deal with questions, wants, and worries.  

Yesterday morning I was reading Psalm 23 about David.  David had just been anointed King but then he was sent back to his fields to wait, and the place he had come from was the most unlikely of them all.  He was a shepard.  The following scriptures were from David's experience yet they touch me deeply:

"The Lord is my shepard; I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside still waters.  He restores my soul.  He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  

Psalm 23:1-4 

Verse 4 was David approaching his fight against Goliath.  Can you imagine?  Coming up against Goliath, everyone believe that there is not way you can take him down, yet having faith instead of fear?    David chose to resist the temptation of discontentment by looking at the greater good of his waiting period.  He rested, reflected, and became restored so that when it was his time to become King he would be able to do what God had planned for him to do.

That is like me today.  I need to read more of God's word so that I am encouraged in this waiting time, reflect on what God is teaching me, be restored so that I can live each day to His purpose-not my own, and truly put my anxiety and worries into his hands.  

I hope this encourages you in some way today lovelies!

a reminder of who my father is

I have been thinking long and hard about this post.  This is probably going to be the most intimate post I ever write, and I want to preface it first.  I'm a firm believer that we are who we are because of where we have been.  Where I've been may not seem so horrible, but it has made me who I am today.  As I hesitated to write this, I prayed-and as I prayed I felt as though God was telling me at least one person might be encouraged today through this.  I also hope to show you just how amazing my mother is.

I came from a broken home.  My mom and dad divorced when I was only six months old.  The person I consider my dad was actually my step-dad, whom my mom married when I was 7.  He was around the the majority of my childhood, imprinted himself into all of my memories, and then destroyed who I thought I was.

All of my life I aimed to please him, I begged inside for him to say, "I love you, I'm proud of you", I strived for his perfection.  What filled those words was his drunken state for a majority of my adolescence.  When him and my mom divorced when I was 20 I thought I would be okay.  You'd think divorces would be harder on younger kids, right?  Through the divorce I had come to resent him, I resented him for his addiction, for not loving my mother the way she deserved, and resented him for not loving me.

God always has a plan.

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'". ~Jeremiah 29:11


My dad never chose to have a relationship with me after the divorce and I still to this day don't quite understand.  However, through the years I have come to learn that HE did not define who I was.  As a people pleaser, I pined after his affirmation and love.  God has been there, He has loved me and told me  He is proud of me.  One of my favorite verses is Matthew 29:3:


"And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven."

My dad had two children from his first marriage that I have always considered my brother and sister.  After my parents divorced, my mom continued to love them as her own.  My sister that was just married last weekend is actually my step-sister, and even though we have no legal ties-our hearts are bonded forever.  And here is the crazy part, my mom was still invited to the wedding and played a vital role.  My mom continually amazes me with her grace and selflessness.

With this wedding came having to see my dad for the first time in about 4 years.  I prayed about it quite a bit, and everything went surprisingly well.  I have God to thank.  He has taught me that my family history does not define me and make me unlovable by an earthly father, because what matters most is that my Heavenly Father has a deep and since love for me.

As the wedding took place I was perfect, everything was great.  Then, the father-daughter dance took place.  As I watched rocking my nephew in my arms I could feel it, my throat became tight and the tears welled up in my eyes.  It was all I could do to keep my composure as I walked away to find comfort from my mom.  My mind was flooded with the emotions I had been healing through for the past several years.

I realized in that moment that we will always need God.  No matter how much I pray for healing, grace, and comfort-I will always need God.  Just because I broke down does not mean I am still bitter and resentful towards my dad.  It means that we are human, we will feel emotion, we will be hurt, we will be upset.  And even though we think we are over things, God will continue to heal our hearts through trials.  

the country wedding, part II

Here are a few more pictures from my sister's wedding this past weekend.  I had the job of carrying my nephew down the aisle so he was a part of the ceremony.  It felt so wonderful to see my nephews, my sister, her new husband, and be reconnected with family.  

I love these people!  My mom, brother, and sister are so unbelievably amazing.  

The family portrait.  Jaden was completely over taking pictures, poor guy. 

By the time the sun went down, we all headed back up to the house to change into warmer clothes and settle in for a bonfire.  

Sunday was spent over at my sister's house for more nephew and Auntie J time.  I seriously cannot get enough of this cute pie!

As I look through these pictures and write this post, there is so much more to be said.  Right now I'm at a point where I'm not sure how much to delve into with my blog.  I started this about a year and a half ago as a way to journal all of life's experiences and keep all of our family in the loop.  My mom and mother-in-law LOVE reading "The News" and knowing what we are up to...and we only live 40 minutes away from them (so sad, I know).  But, I have been thinking a lot about this blog-my purpose behind it-and where it should go.  

I truly love blogging, it brings me so much joy and happiness, and I love being able to look back at everything my wonderful husband and I have accomplished, celebrated, and enjoyed.  This is my personal little space where I like to showcase my passions and enjoyment.  At the same time, there is still quite a bit of privacy.  

As I look through these photos there is so much going on that is unsaid.  The family dynamics would make your head spin.  Should I delve into it all?  This question has been on my mind for quite some time this week.  This blog is about me, and a big part of me and why I am the way I am is because of my family and my upbringing.  

So, I will share a little bit...but not now.  I'm praying for God's wisdom and words, and soon enough you will get a peak inside this little lady.