a reminder of who my father is

I have been thinking long and hard about this post.  This is probably going to be the most intimate post I ever write, and I want to preface it first.  I'm a firm believer that we are who we are because of where we have been.  Where I've been may not seem so horrible, but it has made me who I am today.  As I hesitated to write this, I prayed-and as I prayed I felt as though God was telling me at least one person might be encouraged today through this.  I also hope to show you just how amazing my mother is.

I came from a broken home.  My mom and dad divorced when I was only six months old.  The person I consider my dad was actually my step-dad, whom my mom married when I was 7.  He was around the the majority of my childhood, imprinted himself into all of my memories, and then destroyed who I thought I was.

All of my life I aimed to please him, I begged inside for him to say, "I love you, I'm proud of you", I strived for his perfection.  What filled those words was his drunken state for a majority of my adolescence.  When him and my mom divorced when I was 20 I thought I would be okay.  You'd think divorces would be harder on younger kids, right?  Through the divorce I had come to resent him, I resented him for his addiction, for not loving my mother the way she deserved, and resented him for not loving me.

God always has a plan.

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'". ~Jeremiah 29:11


My dad never chose to have a relationship with me after the divorce and I still to this day don't quite understand.  However, through the years I have come to learn that HE did not define who I was.  As a people pleaser, I pined after his affirmation and love.  God has been there, He has loved me and told me  He is proud of me.  One of my favorite verses is Matthew 29:3:


"And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven."

My dad had two children from his first marriage that I have always considered my brother and sister.  After my parents divorced, my mom continued to love them as her own.  My sister that was just married last weekend is actually my step-sister, and even though we have no legal ties-our hearts are bonded forever.  And here is the crazy part, my mom was still invited to the wedding and played a vital role.  My mom continually amazes me with her grace and selflessness.

With this wedding came having to see my dad for the first time in about 4 years.  I prayed about it quite a bit, and everything went surprisingly well.  I have God to thank.  He has taught me that my family history does not define me and make me unlovable by an earthly father, because what matters most is that my Heavenly Father has a deep and since love for me.

As the wedding took place I was perfect, everything was great.  Then, the father-daughter dance took place.  As I watched rocking my nephew in my arms I could feel it, my throat became tight and the tears welled up in my eyes.  It was all I could do to keep my composure as I walked away to find comfort from my mom.  My mind was flooded with the emotions I had been healing through for the past several years.

I realized in that moment that we will always need God.  No matter how much I pray for healing, grace, and comfort-I will always need God.  Just because I broke down does not mean I am still bitter and resentful towards my dad.  It means that we are human, we will feel emotion, we will be hurt, we will be upset.  And even though we think we are over things, God will continue to heal our hearts through trials.