the parts i don't want you to see

The funny thing about a blog, or instagram, or basically any social media for that fact is that you can recreate how people see you.  As much as I wish I could say I don't do that, I realized that there's a lot of "gunk" you probably don't see.  But I don't like a lot of people to see it, either, because showing the rawness deep inside your heart is a very vulnerable act. And I constantly think I'm in the wrong for feeling the way I am, so why would I open up to someone just to confirm that I am, in deed, going crazy?  

Motherhood has been the most joyous and fulfilling experience.  But there were times that I thought it would get easier.  Honestly, I think the newborn phase was easier than right now.  And it kind of caught me by surprise because everyone always warns you about the sleepless nights and such, but it continues on far past that first month.  

Let's talk about sleep regression, shall we?  At four months, baby's sleep regresses for multiple reasons. Their bodies are changing, they are developing more and more each day, and becoming more fascinated with their surroundings.  All of these changes result in less sleep at night.  Well, I feel like Nathan started this at three months and as still going strong.  We've seen this in either more night wakings, fighting going to sleep, or waking up insanely early in the morning for the day.  And, can I just say, I'm so tired.  I feel like I need to start sleep training but don't know where to start, and the huge unknown that is the world of a new mom is completely swallowing me whole.  

So I've been using a word over and over (in my head) to describe myself: failure. 

I feel like I'm failing as a mom because my baby is waking up 2 or more times during the night, because he is still swaddled and I have no idea how to transition him out of it without losing the sleep I get, because I started feeding him rice cereal as advised by my pediatrician only to learn its not the best to start him out on, because I can't get him to nap for more than 45 minutes at a time during the day, because his schedule changes daily, and because I feel like I have no clue what I am doing. 

And I know that I'm not a failure, but when the monitor shows me that it has only been 30 minutes and he is awake, it is hard to believe it.  I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong.  Motherhood has made me more comfortable in my own skin, but also more vulnerable at the same time.  As much as I don't want to admit it, it has become so easy to compare how I'm doing something to someone else.  I'll read on a Facebook mom's group how they got their child to not need the swaddle and just collapse inside thinking I'll never get there.  

So there's the ugly truth about this new mom!  I have hope it will get easier, he will eventually take better naps and sleep through the night.  And I will become grounded in knowing what is best for my baby.  This ride is filled with so many joys, but there are many bumps along the way.  However, I wouldn't change it for the world because that little bug up top is the cutest thing ever! 

when in reno

When you're dearest friend lives miles away, and you're itching to get out and travel, you bravely book a flight to Reno sans husband and start reading (the night before) how to fly alone with a baby.  Let's just say that in this season of life, I'm procrastinating horribly.  Which led to a nervous breakdown the night before as I was trying to cram every. single. baby. item. we. own. into our suitcase.  Thank goodness my husband is so level headed and patient and reminded me that life will continue to go on if the sound machine is not with us.  Nathan was an amazing flyer!  He was probably a better sleeper when traveling than when we are at home.  And I plan on writing a post with helpful tips for traveling solo with a baby next week so stay tuned.  

This trip was so good for the soul.  I had been sick, then Daniel, then the baby, then Daniel again….add work/house sitting/being a new mom on top of all of that and you've got one hot mess.  So we decided once I arrived to just enjoy each day.  Mornings were filled with lots of coffee around the living room floor while Nathan serenaded us about his dreams the night before and the dogs tried to figure out who this creature in their house was.  We went for walks, shopped (naturally), dined out, and went to the pool.  When I returned home, Daniel was asking me how my trip was and I kept saying over and over how much I loved having someone else cook for me.  Steven is an amazing chef, and my tastebuds were not disappointed at all during our trip.  

We talked about everything we could, spilled things that are troubling us while providing encouragement to one another.  We said our dreams out loud. We sat in the silence comforted by this beautiful friendship that allows for this space.  We remembered my last trip pregnant with Nathan and mentioned how surreal it felt that he was finally here doing life with us.  

And we ended our trip at the sweetest bar where you pick out your drink of choice, take it to the bar and pay for it, they open it up for you, and then you sit at picnic tables and pull out the deck of cards stowed away in your purse.  I must say that I impressed my husband when I told him I'm getting a taste for craft beers and even picked out my own!  (Which was delish!)  

And when it was time to leave, the small lump in my throat reminded me how beautiful this life is when you do it with people who get you, love you for exactly who you are, and become your family.  

a call for normalcy

What a week this has been.  My mind is foggy, my body is tired, and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around everything that has taken place.  

PS: If anything doesn't make sense, I blame sleep deprivation.  That, my friends, will make you turn completely bonkers. 

In case you didn't hear, San Diego has been on fiya!  All. Week.  Long.  Tuesday when I was at work I heard a fire broke out just one mile away from us.  Fortunately, the winds kept it away from us, but that was just the beginning.  The following day there were a total of 9 fires, and more and more communities had to be evacuated.  Schools were closed.  This is what we like to call  "California Snow Days".  Kids frolicked at the beaches or were kept inside due to poor air quality.  

After the Mother's Day sickness epidemic things went down hill.  The husband is better, but not the baby.  This turned into an hour and a half doctor appointment on Wednesday where he was tested for various viruses and given a breathing treatment.  By the way, if you have survived a breathing treatment with a newborn and there were no tears by either of you, please send me your secret.  Basically, Nathan is crazy congested with a horrible cough and is wheezing.  So the doctor sent us home with an inhaler, which continues to cause crying fits by all and makes this mama blubber on like a baby seeing her baby so upset.  

And with that, I'm calling out for you normalcy.  

Why don't you make your way this way?  No more fires.  No more sick babies.  And lots, lots, more sleep please.  

I promise to treasure you always, just please show up soon!