the parts i don't want you to see

The funny thing about a blog, or instagram, or basically any social media for that fact is that you can recreate how people see you.  As much as I wish I could say I don't do that, I realized that there's a lot of "gunk" you probably don't see.  But I don't like a lot of people to see it, either, because showing the rawness deep inside your heart is a very vulnerable act. And I constantly think I'm in the wrong for feeling the way I am, so why would I open up to someone just to confirm that I am, in deed, going crazy?  

Motherhood has been the most joyous and fulfilling experience.  But there were times that I thought it would get easier.  Honestly, I think the newborn phase was easier than right now.  And it kind of caught me by surprise because everyone always warns you about the sleepless nights and such, but it continues on far past that first month.  

Let's talk about sleep regression, shall we?  At four months, baby's sleep regresses for multiple reasons. Their bodies are changing, they are developing more and more each day, and becoming more fascinated with their surroundings.  All of these changes result in less sleep at night.  Well, I feel like Nathan started this at three months and as still going strong.  We've seen this in either more night wakings, fighting going to sleep, or waking up insanely early in the morning for the day.  And, can I just say, I'm so tired.  I feel like I need to start sleep training but don't know where to start, and the huge unknown that is the world of a new mom is completely swallowing me whole.  

So I've been using a word over and over (in my head) to describe myself: failure. 

I feel like I'm failing as a mom because my baby is waking up 2 or more times during the night, because he is still swaddled and I have no idea how to transition him out of it without losing the sleep I get, because I started feeding him rice cereal as advised by my pediatrician only to learn its not the best to start him out on, because I can't get him to nap for more than 45 minutes at a time during the day, because his schedule changes daily, and because I feel like I have no clue what I am doing. 

And I know that I'm not a failure, but when the monitor shows me that it has only been 30 minutes and he is awake, it is hard to believe it.  I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong.  Motherhood has made me more comfortable in my own skin, but also more vulnerable at the same time.  As much as I don't want to admit it, it has become so easy to compare how I'm doing something to someone else.  I'll read on a Facebook mom's group how they got their child to not need the swaddle and just collapse inside thinking I'll never get there.  

So there's the ugly truth about this new mom!  I have hope it will get easier, he will eventually take better naps and sleep through the night.  And I will become grounded in knowing what is best for my baby.  This ride is filled with so many joys, but there are many bumps along the way.  However, I wouldn't change it for the world because that little bug up top is the cutest thing ever!