a mixed bag

I feel very much like a mixed bag lately.  Everything will be going fine, and as I'm driving singing along to Taylor Swift I start balling like a baby.  I think I cried three separate times the other day, and I couldn't even tell you what prompted my tear-filled mess.  Basically, my emotions are an this amazing roller coaster of a ride and I need to accept it at this point. 

I came to a realization the other day which was a bit scary but also quite endearing.  Teaching is become less fulfilling.  I've always wanted to be a teacher, and seeing the drive and passion and spark inside of me slowly dwindle has been a bit hard to swallow.  There's days when I see the light go off in my students' minds that get me, that remind me how enjoyable and fulfilling this job is.  But then there are others where I wonder if I'm even making a different.  

What has become more and more fulfilling is motherhood.  This, naturally, is a beautiful thing.  But I'm an achiever.  My job gives me clear ways to see my achievements, and motherhood doesn't provide this as tangibly.  That's not to say that I don't see progress in motherhood, but it just looks a bit different.  The other achiever part of me has always loved working, and has seen myself working even when my littles are still little.  Now it has become a daily struggle to get out of the house to work. 

Yesterday I was able to tour a school that I had applied at this past year.  It's a new and extremely innovative school, and it was amazing to see their vision in action right before my eyes.  Teachers were excited, students were engaging, and I cried a bit inside.  The achiever in me felt less-than that I didn't get the job, told me that I would never work there or even be that great of a teacher.  But I left with a little pep in my step being surrounded by such engaging professionals that I was immediately drawn to.  That is where my spark is, working with others collaboratively in order to help students to learn.  Seeing what could've been was hard, I won't lie.  But at the end of the day I recount these miraculous blessings over and over in my head. 

For my husband.

For my adorable son who makes me smile all the time.

For a job in a field that I am passionate about. 

  

nathan james: 10 months

How?  Someone please tell me how?!?  How is it that we are two short months away from this little one's first birthday?  Inside I'm crying like a baby and I keep looking back on pictures of his when he was just born, which is not doing me any favors.  It goes without saying, but each month just brings more and more joy.  I love being his mama, and seeing all of his personality shine brightly.  PS: Can we talk about that belly up there?!?  

Growing// Little man is 24 lbs 2 oz.  Sadly, we know this because of a recent doctor's visit this week confirming he had hand, foot, and mouth disease.  He's also cutting his top two teeth, so his little body is just a hot mess.  He recently went through a huge growth spurt and officially is wearing 18 month clothes.  I looked at him one day last week and officially saw a little boy, not a baby.  It amazes me how much they change overnight! He's pulling himself up to standing very easily and is "cruising" around our coffee table and couch.  Lately he's been holding on with just one hand and I feel like he's going to just let go and take off walking.  

Eating & Sleeping// I'm almost afraid to put this into writing because I'm sure it will come back to curse me, but Nathan is finally sleeping through the night consistently.  It's a bit surreal, but I'm going to keep praying it lasts.  He's also starting to fall asleep on his own a bit easier, although nap times are still very much a struggle.  I think at this point I'll take a good night's sleep over a great nap during the day.  

Nathan is gobbling up everything!  He is eating table food now, and occasionally has purees from a pouch for convenience when we are out and about.  Sweet potatoes and avocados are still his favorites, and recently he has taken a liking to chicken and cheese.  He is the most talkative when he eats, it's almost as if he is singing a love song to his delicious food.  We've officially entered the stage of "food throwing", so I have to pay attention to when he is done so that he doesn't begin to play with his food.  He is still nursing or taking a bottle 4 times a day, and breastfeeding is still going well.  I've been thinking a lot lately about when we will wean, and I'm not sure if I'll wait for him to show me signs or if we will find a time that best fits.  I will admit that I'm looking forward to the day that I no longer have to pump at work (or in the car driving home).  

Loving// Nathan loves to get into everything...drawers, cabinets, baskets of clothes.  He's quite the handful these days but I love how much he is exploring.  He loves pulling himself up onto anything at his reach and bouncing up and down.  His new move is dancing.  When he pulls himself up he sways back and forth, and in the mornings I know he's awake by the squeaking of the crib springs from him dancing away.  He also started putting his fingers together and rocking his hand up and down when we sing songs.  I die!  He loves everything other than his toys, especially shoes.  He loves when daddy throws him high into the sky, plops him onto the bed, or chases him around the house.  His laugh is infectious, and daddy always gets him to laugh much harder than I can. 

Loathing// Diaper changes are becoming more and more challenging, and I've found that Nathan needs something to play with in order to get the job done.  He also greatly dislikes car washes.  Poor guy screams his head off when we drive through one.  He has also become a bit more attached to me than normal, and is not a fan when he can't see me as I'm trying to do things around the house.  

body after baby

I find it rather funny how nieve I was about my body after having a baby.  There's a million lies that we as a culture flood our minds with.  "It takes 9 months to put it on, so it will take 9 months to take it off" is just one of them.  Then we have the mindset that as a mom we have completely lost our bodies so there's no use in trying.  When I was pregnant I worked so hard to maintain my fitness level.  I continued to exercise 4-5 times a week, ran up until 32 weeks, and modified exercises.  Honestly, I think this made my delivery go so smoothly.  And I would constantly think how quickly I'd gain my body back after having a baby because I'd have all this time to exercise.  Boy was I wrong.

Now that it's been 10 months since having Nathan, I think I'm a bit ready to share what "body after baby" has looked like for me. 

I went from being home to working part-time to being home again to working full-time.  Within all of that I've tried sticking with workout schedules/routines, online fitness programs, tracking calories...and then I would get so tired.  There has always been this constant pull between fitting in time to exercise while also loving on Nathan and Daniel when I'm not at work.  Exercise makes me feel so good but it also has been something that stresses me out.  I also realized I was comparing myself to these fitness bloggers where it was their job to work out, to show off their postpartum body.  So I came back to reality and had a little heart to heart with myself to frame what was realistic for me in my schedule.  That means working out 2-3 times a week, and eating healthy.  

And before we start thinking that I'm the healthiest eater ever, let me just say that chocolate has been my new best friend (oh how I love thee) especially in the stress of it all.  I know, that the best habit to make one bit, but a girl needs a bit of grace. 

Our bodies are miraculous.  Even though I wasn't able to work out as often or as long as I used to, and my eating habits weren't always on point, the weight still came off.  It seemed that as soon as I put my focus and attention on just loving on this sweet little baby and having fun with him, the stress of body issues seemed to melt away.  Throughout my pregnancy I didn't weigh myself but I knew roughly where I started at.  What boggles my mind is that I may weigh a bit less now than before I got pregnant, but by no means am I as strong or toned.  And that's okay for me right now.  There will come a day when I'll be able to put more focus on working out more.  But for right now it is about finding balance. 

When we stop scrutinizing our bodies for a while, inspecting it in the mirror in the morning, and listing all the things we wish were different about it, we all of the sudden have more time to love on others in our lives and find true joy.  My biggest take away in this journey to love myself so that I can love others has been to daily find the successes on how I treated my body and keep a balanced mindset.  

The last thing you'll see here are before/after pictures, because come on...when I see those I just want to cry.  But I do want to actively share healthy tips in this busy life we live.  So love on your body today instead of tearing it down!