the struggle is real

Things have been a bit quiet over here, but they haven't been quiet in the real world.  Not.  One.  Bit.  Summer is winding down, which means it is back to work for me.  And all of a sudden, I realized that there's quite a bit that this mama is struggling with.

So if I you happened to see a crazy woman yesterday singing "BINGO" in the car while simultaneously crying ugly tears, there's a very small chance that was me.  Nathan has been waking up more than usual during the middle of the night, leaving me pretty tired.  Yesterday I was just plain ol' exhausted.  Side note: why can't every coffee shop be drive-thru???  Although, more coffee doesn't fix the solution.

After waking up, getting myself and Nathan ready to church, and successfully making it out the door early, all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed.  Yes pastor, I hear you, I feel you, but I also am simultaneously wishing that I was hearing you while snuggled up in my sheets and pillows.  From church there was no rest.  Nathan decided to show me this amazing trick and spit up in my hand.  You read that right.  Then he spit up all over my shirt.  Oh but wait...later that day I instantly knew what that warm sensation was that covered my shirt as I drew a bath with my naked baby.  I don't know what I was thinking getting him undressed before having a bath ready for him.  Driving home he decided he would protest sleeping even more since he didn't get in his usual long, afternoon nap.  Hence, the crazy lady singing every single nursery rhyme in the car in order to soothe her crying baby.

And in that moment all I wanted was some patience, for the day to be over, for bedtime to come and go, and to curl up in my bed and hit "reset".  So the tears started rolling.  Because I'm exhausted.  Because I go back to work in two weeks and I'm feeling so many emotions all at once.  Because I feel alone.  Because I realized I still had to make dinner and had no idea what to throw together.  And because I had to unpack a million things accumulating in the car.

So I'm a mess.  And the struggle is real.  And all I wanted in that moment was some fro yo, and then all I could think about was the fact that I didn't work out nearly as much as I wanted to this past week and how much body image is struggling right now too.

That night, bedtime finally came.  And as I nursed Nathan and looked down at his blue eyes that seem to see everything so purely, my chest tightened and ached.  It is surreal how much love one is able to have for another.  And the love that I have for this little boy is unexplainable.  Heck, I'm even crying right now!  That love will help me wake up and face another day with bodily fluids everywhere and it will help me say good-bye as I leave for work because at the end of the day I know I have a smile to great me when I return.