reclaiming my identity

We all come with a story.  Our stories share where we have come from, they provide insight as to why we do things the way we do, and they form our identity.  Today I wanted to open my heart up to you today, and share something that is a bit hard on such a public format.  But after reading the below quote I realized that by keeping this to myself I can't help others that might be feeling the same way.  And the below quote by C.S. Lewis opened my eyes to the realization that this just might help one person or allow them to see God working in and through their lives.  

Our life group from church recently did an activity that I have done before when going to therapy.  You take chunks in your life (birth-5, 6-10, etc.) and identify some major things that happened to you, whether they were positive or negative.  This can help you identify any patterns that reoccur in your life or your actions or help you to see why you might be feeling a certain way.  After doing this exercise for a second time I realized how much power I give to my story, to things that have happened in my life, and allow them to define who I am instead of letting them go. 

In a nutshell here is my story…

My parents divorced when I was a baby, and my mom remarried when I was 7, giving me a step-brother and sister.  Throughout my whole childhood I was the "big sister", always the responsible one, and always feeling the duty to do the right thing.  I constantly struggled with making friends and keeping them, as I became the easy one to pick on in many groups of friends.  My step-dad was an alcoholic.  This became much more pronounced when I was a freshman in high school.  Not only did this put a huge strain on my parents' marriage, but it was also difficult for me as my brother and sister only lived with us on the weekends.  They didn't see all of his behaviors, how he would leave for hours on end and then stumble in at night.  They didn't know a lot of what was going on.  It became so bad that by the time I entered college he was in a car accident, after drinking, and finally went to rehab in order to keep his job.  Throughout this time, I was taking care of my siblings while my mom juggled work and school and her volunteer opportunities.  Our family was crumbling as we dealt with emotional struggles and a sibling that started hurting themselves to deal with the pain.  My dad showed love when he was drunk, not when he was sober.  And I continually had to be strong and keep things together.  When I transferred colleges and moved away my parents divorced, which was the best thing for my mom.  Unfortunately, my dad didn't want anything to do with me and I have continually struggled with his rejection.  

There is still a lot more details to this story, but this is how I have where I came from.  I came from a broken home.  I came from a family that struggled with alcoholism.  I came from a dad that rejected me.  I've been the victim, the strong one, the hurt one, the one that didn't deserve love. 

Well, after doing this activity for the second time I realized something..

I am a new creation.

This story does not have to define me any more.  

I have a new identity. 

The most amazingly beautiful part of our identity is that it is found in Christ. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away, behold the new has come"

2 Corinthians 5:17

Yes, I have a past.  Yes, this past is messy.  But Christ has overcome that past and today I don't have to allow that to have power or control over my life.  The rejection and hurt I have felt is something I don't have to allow to hurt me anymore.  

Today I can easily see how I'm a stronger woman because of my past.  But, more importantly, I can see that I am MUCH more than this story.  And for this reason, I am ready to reclaim my identify. 

No longer am I the rejected and unworthy daughter of an alcoholic, I am the WORTHY and LOVED daughter in Christ.

I am a wife to an amazing husband.

I am a mama to the most precious son. 

I am the daughter to the strongest woman I know. 

I am loved.  

I do have to tell you how our story has ended.  My mom has since remarried to the most loving, wise, humble, and gracious man.  Our family has grown over the years and we all have learned to love this new family, this new identify, this new life we all share together.