transitioning back to work

This month seems to have knocked my feet out from under me.  It has felt like a whirlwind and I'm not quite sure why.  But a very big transition happened this month.  I went back to work!  Fortunately, I'm working part-time (or 60%) and teach three days a week.  I'm so grateful that I'm working part-time, but I have to daily remind myself that because it has been rough.   This post isn't very tidy because I'm still feeling new emotions and finding new ways to handle this new balancing act of life. 

Let's back track to my thoughts about going back to work, because what new mom really wants to return?!?  Growing up my parents always worked.  I got myself ready for school since I was in first grade, took myself to the bus stop or rode my bike to school, went to after-care until my parents were off or was pawned off to a neighbor or stayed home alone.  Nowadays this is entirely unheard of.  Any thoughts I had about being a mom included teaching.  And everyone thinks of teachers as having the "dream job" as a parent…you're done with school at 3pm, have summers off, and let's not forget about winter and spring break, shall we!  Before I was pregnant I started imagining what life would look like if I didn't work when I became a mom.  I thought surely I was too much of a busy-body to stay home with my baby.  And then I became pregnant and thought about how much I actually did work.  Yes, teachers have those amazing breaks, but they are very well deserved.  I'd get to work at 6:45am and not leave until 5pm, how was this conducive to family life?  

Nathan was born and my heart found a love it had never known before, and to say that I was smitten with this new life is a complete understatement.  The thought of leaving him for even a couple hours hurt.  I remember trying to convince the Mr. as to why I shouldn't return back to work.  I thought I had a sound argument, but in the back of my head I knew that it was a bit selfish of me as well.  So we talked about part-time, asked my school if it was an option, and it all fell into place beautifully. 

I feel like you need someone to be upfront with you about the emotions you are going to feel when you return.  Lindsay was that person for me.  I remember her telling me that you're going to feel guilty in so many ways and to let work go when you leave.  

She couldn't have been more right.  The first day I cried.  And the second day I cried.  And by the third day I didn't cry as much.  

But the crazy part was that the minute I was at work, my mind was instantly consumed with work and had no space to think of Nathan.  It was as if I returned to work and nothing had changed.  Luckily, I've learned how to balance it a bit more and remember I'm a mom amidst the hustle and bustle at work now.  I felt guilty because I wasn't thinking of Nathan (other than when I pumped) and then felt guilty because I didn't get to be there and know what he was doing every second of the day.  

I'm trying my hardest to continue breastfeeding while returning back to work which means pumping at work and leaving as soon as a I possibly can so that I can be home to feed Nathan.  The first day back Nathan screamed as I was on my way home because he was already hungry so Daniel had to give him a little bit of a bottle to hold him over.  I cried the entire way home thinking, "If I didn't work this wouldn't be happening" came home and continued crying over Nathan apologizing for not being there. Now that it has been two solid weeks back to work we are beginning to figure out the little things, like when to give Nathan a bottle and how much, what nights are hectic because we're packing a diaper bag for the caretaker that day, or measuring out milk the night before and washing bottles over and over again. 

Something that I kept thinking to myself was "If I didn't work I wouldn't be going through this".  I definitely wouldn't be going through the million emotions I've experienced, but that doesn't mean the easy road should be taken.  I'd been pouring into daily devotionals over maternity leave, and remembered reading over so many times when Jesus shows up and provides amongst the impossible.  I'd learned that God is there no matter what season of life you're in.  So why was I asking for the easy road when a trial came my way?!?  My thoughts had to change to accept this new life of balancing being a wife, mother, and teacher, not try to change it.  Obviously we are going to go through hard things.  But when we are, we need to pray and ask for guidance in them-not for a change of scenery.  

Wednesday nights I'm beyond exhausted and then I remember that I get to stay home the following day and just love on Nathan.  There's no diaper bag to pack, no bottles to set aside, no lunch to be made.  And those days home are good for my soul.  I keep thinking that I could never work full-time, but I'm fully aware that one day I might have to and that it will be okay, I'll get through it.  

This post isn't quite over.  I'm hoping to continue sharing this journey I'm on of balancing motherhood and working, because it's not tidy and it's always changing and we don't always see how people do it all when they work outside of the home.  So stay tuned…there could be a massive meltdown or a triumphant post coming soon!