what i'm afraid to say

Source: thebluepeonyblog.blogspot.com via Jamie on Pinterest

I must forewarn you because this post will get deep, down, and honest.  I'm usually someone who exudes joy and tries to make it my goal as much as possible, but something has been deeply on my heart that I've never shared before and it makes me a little scared to even talk about it.  But, I have been touched and moved by so many open and amazing bloggers that I only hope mine can do the same for someone else.

We all have parts of our lives we like to keep locked up in the closet, shut away from the rest of the world to see, and paint over it with a big smile.  Mine is anxiety.

I never knew I was an anxiety prone person until about two and a half years ago.  When I look back at that time, it makes me shutter to think how bad it was.  Two and a half years ago I was in my first year teaching, newly married, and struggling with the transition from being a college student to being in the career world.  My first year teaching was also probably the hardest years of my life, I don't think I could've ever planned for it.  Add to that the fact that I was constantly sick because my immune system was not ready for 20 different kids bringing me all their germs.  All of a sudden, I felt like my world had caved in.  I was stuck inside my head, listening to my own thoughts, thinking about everything I was doing wrong.  I would go home and barely speak.  The stress had just taken over my life and my anxiety was out of control.

Because I was constantly battling sinus infections I was at the doctor's office a lot.  All of a sudden I became a complete hypochondriac, I thought that anything and everything was wrong with me.  Going to the doctors would cause me to break out in sweats because I thought there was something terribly wrong with me.  I began getting horrible headaches that would bring me to tears, and my mind would begin to go crazy and I thought I had brain cancer! (I was seriously going crazy.)  One day I called a sub for me the following day, drove to my mom's house, and fell asleep with my head in her lap and tears streaming down my face-I didn't know how to cope.  How do you tell yourself that you are overacting, that your'e completely healthy, that your headaches are probably just from stress, and that you need to get our of your head?

I eventually went to my doctor who put me on medication, but I desperately fought taking it.  A month later, I finished the school year and was officially on summer break.  Over the summer I stick dealt with the obscure headaches and anxiety flare-ups, but slowly it all faded away.  It was as thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't remember what brought it on.  All I remember is that I finally relaxed, my crazy thoughts went away, and peace began to fill me rather than fear.  Ever since then, I've battled with anxiety but it has never been as bad as it was.

Throughout the whole experience I realized one huge answer to my anxiety: GOD is bigger than my anxiety.  HE is there to take it away, HE helps me get through the stressful situations, and HE provides.  My wonderful sister-in-law recently gave me a CD by JJ Heller and it completely speaks to my soul.  There is one song that says "Don't need a thing, my Jesus is all, He is all I need, there's no need to fear..."  This is sometimes a daily reminder, but when I give Him each day in the morning I give up the control I try to hold onto and embrace that HE is all I need.

So my apologies for a crazy long post, but I've loved opening up to you and bringing authenticity to the blog.  If you have ever dealt with anxiety please feel free to ask any questions or share how you have coped with it.